A Sacred Vow

I remember when I first started college and was introduced to the atmosphere of professors pushing marriage in every class and guys proposing to the first gal they dated. Education aside, I started to watch those who I knew were dating (and thus getting married soon) to chart their progression into eternal bliss. Girls started out pretty: they did their hair in elaborate Utah bumps, applied makeup several times a day, flashed huge smiles at every male in the vicinity, laughed loudly. Men started out handsome: they showered and combed their hair, made an effort to match, and inserted themselves into the view of aforementioned girls. Girls and guys continued to dress up for each other throughout the dating and engagement period, then out of nowhere, they became unrecognizable. I was able to follow this as a natural occurrence in the Love Cycle at the university. Normally around week three of marriage I saw that the girls quit putting on makeup and arrived to classes in sweatpants and baggy t-shirts. The guys inevitably started putting on weight soon after. Was this phenomenon due to a recent lack of sleep (wink wink)? Or was there something else at work? It wasn't hard to figure out this answer, in fact, I think I had it nailed down within a semester or two. Once a couple is married--they're stuck! They don't have to look nice for each other anymore because there's no getting rid of them anymore! I found it was the attitude of "Well, he married me, and this is what he gets now." Sad, huh? Then and there I vowed to never let this happen to me.

I can't say that I was immune to this strutting and posturing when I was single. I did my hair religiously (though, fortunately, I was never a fan of the bump), made sure my makeup was in tact before classes, and tried to give "friendly" smiles to guys I met. None of these things happened to work towards getting me dates however, and I decided it wasn't worth it after a while. I started not to fret as much--I didn't let myself go, I did what I had always been doing, just without the thought of a potential date in mind. (It's funny how men start to notice you when you don't care about them anymore... they can sense it or something.) Of course, I met my husband after I had sworn off men and the story continues from there. So fast forward--Jason and I start dating. I'm still watching the progress of couples to keep tabs on their appearance pre- and post-marriage. My vow to never let myself go was still fresh in my mind, though I made sure that Jason saw me without my hair and makeup done several times while we were dating so he knew EXACTLY what he was getting himself into.
My vow still stands today, I think, even after five years of marriage. Though I had an upsetting shock this morning when I looked into the mirror. I saw the most horrendous brownish-yellow circles around my eyes. These aren't new, unfortunately, but today I took a minute to stare at myself and study what's happening to me. Besides my bruised-looking eyes, I realized that I haven't been to the gym in two months, it takes me most of the day before I get dressed, I don't wear makeup half the time, and I can take or leave my hair. I was disappointed in myself. I've always subconsciously attributed a lack of physical grooming to a lack of self confidence or laziness. I'm not lazy and every woman I know suffers from some sort of confidence issue. Most of my lettings-go I can blame on my pregnancy: I've been too sick and exhausted to make it to the gym, I outgrew my bra which has left me uninspired to to wear anything but PJ pants and a hoodie, I'm too tired to care about putting on my makeup and doing my hair. I hope the second trimester (which starts this week) will prove to be a better-feeling one so I can get somewhat back to normal. Even though I know I have a legit excuse for looking like crap, I still can't reassure myself that it's OK. I'm ashamed that I've let myself fall into this category. Since this is the perfect time to think of New Year's resolutions, I found mine: get up! I need to start taking pride in myself again and the best way for me to do this is to go back to my old self. My confidence is boosted when I'm presentable and I have a much more productive day after my personal grooming is done. These small steps will surely lead to bigger personal leaps down the road.

I'll raise my glass to that.