10 Things: Troy

This week has been another chock-full of stress. I'm absolutely exhausted from it and hope something resolves itself soon, whether it be an early baby, a new job for Jason, or the invention of a self-cleaning home.

I have continually been reminded this week what a good little boy my son is. I can't help but publicize how grateful I am for him.

1. He still has the sweetest little baby voice. I love to hear him talk.
2. He has a special blanket that was given to him by my parents when he was born. He doesn't ever go to sleep without it. Last week he came to Jason and me and told us he wanted to get the new baby a special blanket like his, he even knew what color he wanted. So I took him out and he picked one that he liked for her. I hope it becomes as special to her as his blanket is to him.
3. Another one in reference to the new baby: He is so excited to meet her. We've talked to him a lot about having a baby and he talks about it all the time. Last week he helped me get all her clothes and blankets washed and put away, and then he helped us set up the playpen in our room for when she comes. After we'd set it up, he got a pillow off his bed for her and started to fill up her bed with his toys so she could play.
4. He loves to be outside. 
5. He refuses to wear pants when we're at home. This isn't something I'm particularly grateful for, but it's so funny that as soon as we walk in the door, his clothes come off. I don't even fight it anymore...as long as he's got underwear on it's not worth the battle.
6. We've talked recently about going to Disneyland so now he invites everyone we talk to to come with us. The cashier at Smith's, the nurse at the doctor's office...
7. He plays so well with other kids. I love to watch him have fun and interact with others.
8. Jason calls me "bebeh." So Troy calls me "bebeh" too. "Watcha doin' bebeh?" It makes me smile every time.
9. His obsession with trains, or anything bigger than a car for that matter.
10. He loves to help me vacuum, dust, wash windows, mop, etc... He's a great helper.

I love him. I'm already feeling guilt for the approaching time that will mean less one-on-one time with him. I hope I will be successful at still showing him that I love him just as much.

10 Things

As I grow increasingly uncomfortable and stressed out in these last weeks of pregnancy I've realized that I need something to actively take me away from the many complaints I want to make. It's difficult to stay positive and optimistic when everything I do hurts, or when I can't sleep at night because all I can think about is how I want to hear something back on one of Jason's many job applications... See? There I go.

When I was younger and journal writing was something that everyone was pushing as the only way to record your life's history, I often remember feeling like I had nothing to write about. It was true most of the time; the life of a bookworm teenager usually isn't all that interesting. To help, my mom would tell us to write five things we were grateful for as our entry for the day. I'm sure my lists weren't all enlightening. I distinctly remember writing several times that I was grateful for my bed... or for tennis (my high school sport of choice). I'm going to take this a step further and begin writing down 10 positive things about a specific aspect of my life. I think it will help me to remember how blessed I truly am and force myself to analyze things a little differently. For the debut: my husband.

Jason:

1. He is comfortable being a dad. He can do everything for Troy that I can do. A lot of times he can do it better.
2. He lets me be me. He hasn't tried to "change" me to be what he wants, though I'm sure we've both changed just a little since our wedding day. If he has tried to change me, he's done it most excellently, as I haven't noticed a thing. 
3. He is a very hard worker. His norm is to give 110% at work all the time. In addition, he very often takes on overtime work to make extra money to provide more for our family. He has built positive relationships with his superiors and co-workers that will (hopefully, fingers crossed) result in a better career position for him soon.
4. I love that he wants to do the handy work and heavy lifting for me. I'm a pretty independent person, but have recently started to take a step back and let him do things for me.
5. I appreciate that he doesn't have any "vices" that take him away from important things. I consider myself a pretty easy-going wife and I let him do pretty much whatever he wants, but he is very considerate when it comes to his man time. He never plays video games if there's something to be done or if there's something we can do together instead. He doesn't do guys' nights hardly at all, and he always asks me what plans are for the evening so he can plan his workouts/errands/whatever accordingly.
6. Bright blue eyes.
7. Since Troy was born he's taken a turn for the awesome with his health. He made the choice to lose weight, practice better eating habits, and exercise regularly. I'm glad he made this choice for himself and proud of the success he's had.
8. He used to request that I make his favorite meatballs for dinner-- now he makes them better than I do.
9. He's gone from wanting to live his entire life in one town to being open to the idea of moving away. I grew up traveling and loved it, and am happy that he's willing to try something new and exciting. There are lots of fun adventures to be had.
10. He talks to me as his equal. We hold conversations about everything from politics to personal dreams to work to celebrity gossip. When we get on a kick we can go for hours. We agree and disagree about things without putting each other down and learn more about each other every time.

Was that 10 already?! I'm a lucky girl.

The Non-Issue Issue

Democratic pundit Hilary Rosen recently unleashed a torrent of debate and criticism when she claimed that Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's wife Ann "has never worked a day in her life." This has drawn major backlash from both Republicans and Democrats. There are so many aspects to this "issue" that I have been thinking about over the past several days and I've decided to use my blog as a way to sort out my thoughts. First, Rosen's comment was out of line. It was harsh, insensitive, and a direct personal attack where none was needed. Second, if looked at in context, I can see where she was going with it. While I don't agree with the way it was brought up and conveyed, Rosen's assertion has made me think a little.

I don't know Ann Romney. I haven't researched her, I don't know her educational background, if she's involved in any charitable organizations... I don't even think I know what she looks like. I have to use my own experiences to put myself somewhat in her shoes. She chose to be a stay-at-home mom. She chose to have five--count them, FIVE--children. (When I say "she," I mean Mitt and she).

I also have chosen to be a SAH mom to tend to my soon-to-be brood of two. It's not an easy job. I often envy my husband that he's able to to get away and out of the house every day. My work of being a mom and housekeeper is never-ending. I don't get breaks, there's always something that needs to be fixed or cleaned, a bum that always needs to be wiped, or a temper tantrum that needs to be dealt with. Not to mention the psychological stresses that come from being completely burned out on mommy-ing and the inevitable guilt that comes from feeling like I'm not contributing because I'm not contributing to the bank account. Or how I feel like I'm being lazy if I choose to sit for half an hour to read a book or look at superfluous articles online. Or how I don't have the time to exercise like I want or have "me time" so my attitude adjusts towards the positive. Or the fact that I would need to be working 40+ hours per week just to cover daycare and transportation expenses and maybe then have an extra hundred bucks to use towards other bills. (A lot of times it doesn't pay to work when you have kids, and that has been something incredibly frustrating for me.) So, yes, being a stay-at-home parent is hard. There are probably a lot of people that would blast me for saying so. It's all relative. I can't relate to a single mom who works full-time because I've never been in that position. I have no doubt that other parents are in more stressful situations than I.

HOWEVER!!! However, I have not worked outside my home for career experience or a salary in three and a half years. My cover letter's looking a little sparse nowadays. The point that Rosen was so distastefully trying to make was that Mrs. Romney doesn't have much on her resume to attest to her being a tried and true political adviser or consultant to Mitt's campaign. She is somewhat removed from what most female voters are experiencing today because most mothers work outside the home.

True. I agree that her lack of holding an official capacity will draw working mothers away from her.

But this is where I found myself floundering on this so-called issue again. As my husband's partner, I am informed about the issues just by association. We discuss things, we problem solve together, we brainstorm. I'm sure Ann is intimately involved with Mitt's campaign because they have been married for so many years and have built their business together. They have gotten where they are together. How can she not have experience, even if it's not been made official on W-2 statements? While I don't think that she necessarily qualifies for an official "adviser" title, I don't think she should be written off as inexperienced. Nor should anyone claim that she has "never worked a day in her life." 

Why do I care? I don't really know. I've given up on politics because it's all petty bickering that doesn't seem to help me, the taxpayer, at all. Democrats are going to spit at Republicans just because they sit on different sides of the floor, and vice versa. Everyone's just going to keep yelling at each other and starting fires. Maybe it's because I can relate to the SAH mom thing. I know it's not easy and I would not want someone asserting to the public that I didn't know what it was like to have to work. Whatever. It's a non-issue that has been dragged into the spotlight and maybe I'll stop thinking about it now that I've written some of my thoughts down. Move on!

Playplace Dramas

I have a feeling I'm going to regret a certain event that happened today for the REST OF MY LIFE. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm choosing to immortalize said "event" by posting it on a public blog...that's on the Internet...that everyone can read.

I took Troy to the playplace today for lunch because he's been Master Pooperinthepotty lately and deserved a fun time out for doing so well with something that's been a real struggle for him. We pick a table outside the playplace and I position myself so I can watch him while he's running around with all the other kids. 

Observation #1: He's one of the youngest and smallest kids playing. This isn't an issue for me, because all the kids look like they're playing nicely no matter their age. Troy doesn't care either, as long as there are kids to play with, he's cool.

Observation #2: The playplace isn't really "baby-friendly". Any kid that is still crawling on all fours and isn't able to keep their balance when amongst running, older kids isn't going to last long. And all the play area is up the stairs in the second-level tubes, which means that babies aren't going to be able to get up there to "play" anyhow.

Observation #3: Mama bears are watching...

So Troy's running around, having a fun time with everyone else. If you know anything about his eating habits, he's not one to sit and eat. It's a battle we've chosen not to fight with him at this point in time. He eats on the run. ...So he's in and out of the playplace enclosure grabbing a chicken nug here, a fry there... I see him start to come down the stairs, I assume to come out and get another bite, and there's a baby sitting in the way. The only way he can get past her is to carefully climb between her and the stair post, which he does, but it also means having to step over and around her arm and the rest of her body. The baby makes no move whatsoever and is blocking kids from going up and coming down the stairs. Troy has just made it past her (mind you, I'm watching this whole scene from a very clear vantage point) and the baby's mom goes over. Her back was towards me and I couldn't tell who she was talking to. But then I see Troy answer something to her, and she keeps shaking her head at him and pointing the the baby who is still sitting in the middle of the stairs. By this time I had realized that she was chewing him out for stepping over her baby and got up to intervene. I was few steps into my stomp when Troy comes out.

"What did that lady say to you?" (I was careful to keep my tone neutral; I didn't want him to think he was in trouble.)

"She said I can't come down the stairs."

"How come you can't come down the stairs?"

"I can hurt her baby and I can't come down the stairs." (Confused look on his face.)

"Did the baby get hurt? Was she crying?"

"No." (Which she wasn't, and hadn't ever cried, or even made a face that suggested something was wrong.)

I then told him that he was, indeed, allowed to come down the stairs whenever he wanted and that he hadn't done anything wrong. The last I checked stairs were considered two-way streets.

Going back to the Observations: Troy couldn't have been the only one posing a "danger" to this baby since he was in the middle of an older group. If you're going to chew someone out, then do it to a kid who is legitimately doing something wrong and can completely understand what you're getting at. Better yet, talk it up with the parent. Parents are just a leetle protective of their offspring and don't like to see random others attempting to discipline their kids. 

And why was she letting her baby, who can't yet walk, or climb up stairs, or eat solid food, get that far into the playplace? With so many other bigger kids around? On stairs?! 

So when Troy came out and we had this discussion I honestly couldn't decide what to do. It's no secret I've been a little hormonal lately, and even without the hormones I'm not the most sensitive of people when it comes to saying how I feel about things. I could not tell if this was a situation that required my further intervention in confronting this parent or not. Was I making too big a deal out of it? Did I really need to start something in the middle of Chick-fil-A? Was this nothing that I should forget about? I couldn't decide a rational way to approach this, so we packed up and left. It was time to go anyway.

In hindsight, I shoulda taken that mutha downnnnnn! I should have defended my son! What was I thinking?! My poor kid was so confused that he was told he wasn't allowed to go down stairs. So my regret is that I didn't do anything. I told Troy several times that he wasn't in the wrong and he probably forgot about the entire situation by the time we got home. I've been stewing all day. I should have said something. I have a few things from life that I regret, that I still feel bad about to this day even though the event was small and has been forgotten by everyone but me. I have a feeling this is going to stick with me like those others. 

Do you think that random diner has any idea that another random mom from the playplace is harboring a serious grudge against her? Probably not, which means it's only hurting me. I just need to move on...

A Lot About Nothing

So I've basically given up on our family blog. And I've given up on reading others' blogs too. I think the trend is finally starting to pass. With the social interaction abundance that is Facebook it tends to be so much easier to write about our goings-on in small blurbs and picture updates. I use Facebook so often to share news that it dawned on me that I forgot to email my extended family the news that we're having a girl. ...Oops. The writings on this particular blog have also (obviously) taken a plunge in word count. I'm going to keep this one however. It's been nice to have a place to exercise the right side of my brain, since my left side is normally so dominant. Back you creative beast, back!! I wish I were more creative, maybe we wouldn't be so bored all day. I even had a good idea for a blog post yesterday. I promptly forgot it when I beheld the amazing amounts of chocolate Jason came home with. The crickets are chirping in my head as we speak, well, as I write. I have nothing to write about... Since most of my thoughts nowadays revolve around the discomforts of pregnancy and impending childbirth. And food. Lots of food.

I guess the enjoyment I find in cooking to be a point in favor of my right side. I don't think I've made a recipe exactly according to the recipe for years now. I'm good at mixing things up and tweaking flavors. I've been in the mood to try something completely new, but haven't been able to find appropriate ingredients when grocery shopping. Back to boring for us.

I follow politics, religion, parenting, etc... topics that are in the news, but try to avoid posting or commenting on forums because I don't like how divisive topics like that can be. Granted, there's been a few times that I have... and of course I'm ALWAYS right when stating my personal opinion. ;-) I don't like how closed-minded and disrespectful people can be; it's the common trend for people to post insensitive, inflammatory comments on issues-- things they would never have the balls to say to a person's face. I try to go out of my way to make sure the comment I am posting is something I would also say in person. Ha ha, then there are the times when I play the opposite side of the fence just to ruffle all the sheeply conservatives where I live. There's that right side in action again. I also choose not to listen to political commentators because they are so biased and rude. I think they cause people to be irrationally angry and judgemental of others who don't believe as they do. They host guests on their shows and proceed to shout and put them down. To avoid making this a blanket statement, I'll add, "Of course, not everyone is like this." To somewhat balance the media bias, I pull my news from two or three different news sources and form my own opinions.

Forming opinions is something that, I think, takes practice. It's hard to come into a new topic without an inclination to think one way or another. But I think educating oneself and being open to multiple thoughts helps to sideline closed-mindedness. While writing numerous research papers in college, I quickly learned that you can make research and statistics say whatever you want. If you want to find research that favors one theory over another-- you'll find it! If you want it to say the other theory is absolutely, infallibly correct-- you'll find that too!

I think I've written enough about absolutely nothing. Maybe my brain will kick into gear soon and I'll have another post on enlightened, creative subjects that I KNOW leaves everyone hanging for more.

Second Time Around

Now that I'm well, and already uncomfortably, into my pregnancy I've started to think a lot more about how I want things to go this time. With Troy there were a lot of things I didn't know and things I blindly followed because it didn't dawn on me to question things or ask what was normal. I'm referring mostly to the actual birth, however I'm going to change the way we do things once we get home from the hospital as well. Since I've been through this process once before I feel a little more educated on what I can make sure is done for me and take a little more control over the entire experience. In retrospect, there were so many things I should have done differently when Troy was born to make things easier on myself. Of course-- I didn't know.

Now I do.

For instance. I had a not-particularly long, but slow labor with Troy that included three hours of pushing. Now, I went into labor with him in the middle of the night, right after I'd gotten into bed. So I had already gone about 36 hours without sleep by the time it came to push. Change #1: I will NOT haul myself all the way from lying position into sitting position every time I have to push (especially when I'm exhausted and passing out between contractions already). I don't know why it never dawned on me to tell the nurse to raise the head of the bed into sitting position for me, or why they never offered. My back and shoulders were so sore and stiff the next day from that workout.

Change #2: I envy the women who have full relief with epidurals. I did not get that, nor was I wanting to be plugged in and immobile so early into my labor. I experienced excruciating back pain with Troy which prompted the request for an epidural sooner than I was originally planning. I'm hoping this labor will not include that back pain so I can try to prolong having to be immobilized on my back in a bed. I had planned (and would like to plan for this one) to grit it out as long as possible without having medication so I would be free to walk around and deal with the pain via other methods. And if I do need meds, let's just say I really hope they work like they're supposed to this time.

Change #3: There will be no, "Jason, you sleep all night and let me take care of all the feedings and cryings." It's hard enough to get sleep when you have a newborn as it is, it's even harder when you offer to be awake all night because you think it's the right thing for your partner. Guess who gets to do midnight feedings and rockings now!

These are a few of the changes I'm hoping will take place. I didn't want to go into too much detail about Troy's birth, because, let's face it, no one really cares--and the gory details can stay in the delivery room. Hopefully it will be a lot less stressful on everyone.

AND the nurse WILL let me shower when I want to...

A Sacred Vow

I remember when I first started college and was introduced to the atmosphere of professors pushing marriage in every class and guys proposing to the first gal they dated. Education aside, I started to watch those who I knew were dating (and thus getting married soon) to chart their progression into eternal bliss. Girls started out pretty: they did their hair in elaborate Utah bumps, applied makeup several times a day, flashed huge smiles at every male in the vicinity, laughed loudly. Men started out handsome: they showered and combed their hair, made an effort to match, and inserted themselves into the view of aforementioned girls. Girls and guys continued to dress up for each other throughout the dating and engagement period, then out of nowhere, they became unrecognizable. I was able to follow this as a natural occurrence in the Love Cycle at the university. Normally around week three of marriage I saw that the girls quit putting on makeup and arrived to classes in sweatpants and baggy t-shirts. The guys inevitably started putting on weight soon after. Was this phenomenon due to a recent lack of sleep (wink wink)? Or was there something else at work? It wasn't hard to figure out this answer, in fact, I think I had it nailed down within a semester or two. Once a couple is married--they're stuck! They don't have to look nice for each other anymore because there's no getting rid of them anymore! I found it was the attitude of "Well, he married me, and this is what he gets now." Sad, huh? Then and there I vowed to never let this happen to me.

I can't say that I was immune to this strutting and posturing when I was single. I did my hair religiously (though, fortunately, I was never a fan of the bump), made sure my makeup was in tact before classes, and tried to give "friendly" smiles to guys I met. None of these things happened to work towards getting me dates however, and I decided it wasn't worth it after a while. I started not to fret as much--I didn't let myself go, I did what I had always been doing, just without the thought of a potential date in mind. (It's funny how men start to notice you when you don't care about them anymore... they can sense it or something.) Of course, I met my husband after I had sworn off men and the story continues from there. So fast forward--Jason and I start dating. I'm still watching the progress of couples to keep tabs on their appearance pre- and post-marriage. My vow to never let myself go was still fresh in my mind, though I made sure that Jason saw me without my hair and makeup done several times while we were dating so he knew EXACTLY what he was getting himself into.
My vow still stands today, I think, even after five years of marriage. Though I had an upsetting shock this morning when I looked into the mirror. I saw the most horrendous brownish-yellow circles around my eyes. These aren't new, unfortunately, but today I took a minute to stare at myself and study what's happening to me. Besides my bruised-looking eyes, I realized that I haven't been to the gym in two months, it takes me most of the day before I get dressed, I don't wear makeup half the time, and I can take or leave my hair. I was disappointed in myself. I've always subconsciously attributed a lack of physical grooming to a lack of self confidence or laziness. I'm not lazy and every woman I know suffers from some sort of confidence issue. Most of my lettings-go I can blame on my pregnancy: I've been too sick and exhausted to make it to the gym, I outgrew my bra which has left me uninspired to to wear anything but PJ pants and a hoodie, I'm too tired to care about putting on my makeup and doing my hair. I hope the second trimester (which starts this week) will prove to be a better-feeling one so I can get somewhat back to normal. Even though I know I have a legit excuse for looking like crap, I still can't reassure myself that it's OK. I'm ashamed that I've let myself fall into this category. Since this is the perfect time to think of New Year's resolutions, I found mine: get up! I need to start taking pride in myself again and the best way for me to do this is to go back to my old self. My confidence is boosted when I'm presentable and I have a much more productive day after my personal grooming is done. These small steps will surely lead to bigger personal leaps down the road.

I'll raise my glass to that.