Love and Logic...My Way

I've been struggling with motherhood lately. It's no secret that Troy can be a challenge at times. He is extremely active and loves to push my buttons by doing things he knows he shouldn't. It sometimes takes hours for him to fall asleep for naps and bedtime. He screams and throws things when he's angry. If he is not supervised 100% of the time, then he finds something to cause major trouble. Sadly, I find myself wanting to be away, waiting for Jason to get home so I can be by myself, and even feel a little resentful at times. I've been job-hunting and job-applying for months now, to no avail. I feel tired, burned out, and a little bored. I'm tired of feeling this way, so I decided to get some outside help from an objective source. I turned to the trusty public library and borrowed Parenting with Love and Logic by Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay. I finished the book in less than a day and could probably stand to read it again.

I found several things I liked and agreed with. These things I will apply in our home to try to help our situation. There were also several things I did not agree with in principle and will stick to my guns about. Hopefully my conglomeration will be successful.

First, I really liked how the authors talked about God. They obviously believe in Him and believe He loves His children. They made some wonderfully logical assumptions that I would deem to be true, such as, "God gave all humans--His supreme creation--considerable freedom, and that includes the opportunity to goof up" and "The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that with God's help, they can always look first to themselves for the answers to their problems." Nothing is possible without our Heavenly Father and I look to Him frequently for guidance and comfort.

Next, I agree that my goal should be to raise responsible children who are ready for the world when they leave the safety of our home. Cline and Fay's main argument is that we need to provide our kids with viable choices and let them choose. If we make all the choices for them then they don't learn how to think for themselves. This is something we've already employed with Troy. We started by giving him choices that didn't matter: Do you want to wear your Lightning McQueen pj's or your dinosaur pj's? Then we've moved up to choices that matter a little bit more: Do you want to visit Grandma and Grandpa or do you want to stay home and play with your toys? By giving him some control, he learns to think about options and consequences. When he's in trouble: Do you want quiet time in your room or on the chair in the living room? etc... A+ for me on this concept.

I also heartily enjoyed that parents should not pander to their kids being irresponsible. If the rule is to do chores before dinner, then they won't get dinner if the chores aren't completed. They will learn that not doing chores means being hungry. They also encourage parents to require payment for chores that are normally the kids' responsibility or to not "be available" to take them to their activities if they misbehave or are lazy. Go Team Parent!

The other of Cline and Fay's main arguments is all about natural consequences. If the child makes a bad choice, then let them live out the natural consequence of their action--but be empathic and non-rescuing. For example, if Troy decides to be mean to another kid and that kid punches him for it, then that's a natural consequence. (Although in Troy's defense, he's actually very friendly with other kids and great at sharing.) Parents should never punish, get angry, or lecture about the child's choice.

This is where I find the gray area of this parenting approach. The way they present it, it's almost laissez-faire. I believe that children have parents for a reason--to guide them when making decisions. Parents are there to keep their kids in line and teach them to be respectful, responsible people. I do not believe that it is a bad thing to (reasonably) punish their children for acting inappropriately. I also think that hiding your displeasure/anger from them is unhealthy. If they have done something that affects others negatively, then it is perfectly appropriate to be a little growl-ish with them.

I agreed with the "natural consequences" to a degree. If they know that they won't have clean underwear unless they run a load of laundry, then they'll learn real fast that it's a good idea to do their laundry. However, there are several instances I can think of where I don't agree with this concept. If Troy and a neighbor kid get into a physical confrontation, I'm not going to sit by and let it keep going and tell myself that he'll learn his lesson eventually. I'm going to break up the fight and dole out punishments as I see fit! Getting a black eye isn't going to teach him not to fight! This is where I think the parent needs to become Parent. There are situations that require parental interference, and not providing interference will only hurt the child.

I especially loathed the blurb on bullies towards the end of the book. According to Cline and Fay, parents should approach the subject with their kids by making the bully into a victim. (Although most bullies have some sort of dysfunction at home, it's no excuse for violent behavior.) They suggest "encouraging" kids by saying something like this: "Kids who are awful now often grow up to be good men and women. Pretty surprising, huh? Someday they'll be almost as mature as you! Luckily this is just a stage in their lives. I sure am proud of the way you handle it." What a bunch of BS. This is how we handle bullies at our house: stand up for yourself if you're being bullied, if they touch you then mission is a-go to hit back. Our children will have our full support in this. Parents should most definitely be involved when this kind of situation comes up.

Anyway, I'm done! I will most definitely pick and choose which concepts to apply to our home and pray for extra guidance. Reading this book gave me hope even if I didn't agree with everything. I'm not the only person struggling with my child's behavior. I love Troy with all my heart and I want the best for him. I praise him, I discipline him, I smile, hug and kiss. I hope my outlook will start to turn upwards as Troy responds positively to these behavior modifications. Wish me luck!